A call from Delaware

This post is dedicated to my dear friends, Ed and Suzanne Rowse.

Confession: This isn’t the blog post I’m supposed to be writing. 

I’m supposed to be writing a blog on the parent I thought I’d be versus the parent I actually am. I started the post a few days ago and was nearly finished. Then I reread the post about twenty minutes ago and decided to scrap it. Sometimes in writing we have to pivot.

Earlier this evening, I got a call from some friends in Delaware who are now in their mid-80’s. We were neighbors with them from 2017-2021. My oldest used to ride his bike down toward their house and affectionally called them “grammy” and “grandpop.” Ed and Suzanne were more than friends and neighbors—they were (and are) our mentors and love us like family. They have a special place in my heart that I cannot quite describe. I imagine this is what many people say about them.

When I met Suzanne, I was a young mother of a 1 year old boy. I was taking my son out for a walk around the neighborhood and was admiring her beautiful garden. Suzanne stopped to chat with me and the rest is history. She invited me to church and took me under her wing so to speak. I thank the Lord for that. I was still a fresh military wife and new parent and had no friends in Delaware. Who knew that my first friend in Delaware would be someone older than my parents? 

Back then, as a young parent I knew that there was no parenting handbook but this didn’t bother me because honestly, I didn’t think I needed one. I had already been a full time nanny to 5 different families and had a lot of experience helping to raise kids ages newborn to 13. I knew exactly what kind of parent I was going to be: the kind that made sure my kids had a solid nap time routine, ate salmon and quinoa, stayed off of screens, and were well groomed 24/7. I prioritized control through schedules, routines, goals, boundaries, rules, clear expectations, and maintaining high standards. That was the parent I was, wanted to be, and thought I would continue to be. 

And then everything changed one day over a marshmallow. 

This happened when Billy was around 3 years old and Suzanne was visiting with me in my home. She was trying to explain what a s’more was to Billy and described the graham cracker, marshmallow, and chocolate over a campfire scene. The only problem was that Billy couldn’t make sense of this because he didn’t know what a marshmallow was. When Suzanne realized this, she looked at me and with the most loving/hilarious/amazed/incredulous tone, she said, “Julie! This child needs to eat a marshmallow! How does he not know what that is?” She wasn’t reprimanding me, she was simply holding up a mirror to my face. 

At first I felt scolded and wanted to defend my position on sugar but at the same time I felt such relief that maybe I could break the unbreakable rule on sugar for my kid. It took so much energy to have the rules, schedules, routines, high standards, etc. It was a full time job trying to control so much all of the time. And that was the whole problem: my full time job was never meant to have control; my full time job was to be a present and relationship-building parent. 

Suzanne is the person who taught me that and she also showed me the better way for the kind of parent I would become. 

I thank God that I did not turn into the parent I thought I would be—the one who thought she could control the outcome if she just controlled the child-rearing environment. 

I turned into a far better parent, a type of parent I had never even considered was an option.

I’m now a humble parent. 

I’m a teachable parent. 

I’m a grace-giving parent. 

I’m a its-ok-to-spill-your-water-on-me-on-accident-at-a-restaurant kind of parent. 

I’m a parent who builds margin into her family’s schedule more than she builds in activities. 

I’m also a parent who says, “yes” when my child asks for a second or third s’more. 

Thank you, Ed and Suzanne, for being spiritual parents to me and for helping me develop a teachable heart. I think of you both whenever I sit around the campfire eating s’mores with my kids. You have shown me that parenting doesn’t come with a handbook but it can come with some really great mentors and friends. Thank you for being that for me.