It’s actually not ok

Confession: I hate it when parents teach their kids to say “it’s ok” after someone apologizes to them.

The words “I’m sorry” have lost their impact on me. I find it interesting that we can say things like “I love this coffee shop,” or “I love those shoes,” without event thinking about it but saying, “I love you” to a person sincerely is more of a struggle. In a similar way, we toss around “I’m sorry” in a rather casual way. I hear those words constantly in situations that don’t make sense to me:

• trying to maneuver your shopping cart down the aisle someone else is in: “excuse me, I’m so sorry” (we don’t need to apologize, let’s just say “excuse me, can I please get through?”)
• being late for an appointment: “I’m so sorry, it’s just that the traffic was so bad” (take responsibility and say “I am late and will plan better next time. Thank you for waiting for me.”)
• asking someone to repeat what they said: “sorry I can’t hear you, can you say that again?” (You don’t need to apologize, just ask them to repeat what they said)

It’s actually in the situations that I think those words are most appropriate that I don’t hear them:

• one kid being mean to another (the parents force one kid to say “sorry” even if the apology isn’t genuine)
• my kid saying something rude and disrespectful to me (instead of apologizing for the disrespect, my child justifies why the words were fitting to the situation)
• me needing to apologize to my husband when I’m mean to him (I just wait and make him apologize first)

“Sorry” is an important word but I think most of us get it wrong. At least I do. That is why I don’t teach my kids to say “I’m sorry” immediately after they have wronged someone. I help them focus on two other important things: being able to recognize “I hurt you” or “What you did hurt me.” They need to be able to identify what they feel sorrow over—it needs to be specific. 

I teach these phrases to my kids so they understand what it means to hurt someone and how to make relational repair. In a nutshell, I teach them responsibility. If my kids are fighting and one hurts the other, they both have different responsibilities. The one who did the hurting needs to acknowledge and have awareness that what they did hurt the other person even if that wasn’t the intent. And then they need to figure out how to make the relationship right again. The responsibility for the kid who got hurt is to communicate that they were hurt by something the other kid did. 

In public I often hear conversations like this:

Johnny’s mom: “Johnny, tell Mary that you’re sorry”

Johnny: “Sorry”

Mary: “that’s ok”

Here’s why I don’t model that pattern in my home: It sort of sounds like Mary is telling Johnny that it is ok that he hurt her. I know that as parents we aren’t trying to teach that to our kids—but if you sit and think about the pattern of apology that is often used like the one above, that is exactly what you are teaching kids to say—that it is ok if someone hurts them. Which means then, that it is probably ok for them to continue hurting them. And that basically the apology wasn’t even necessary. Well friends, not in this house. Nope. It is absolutely not ok. So here is the apology pattern I teach my kids:

Scene: We are at the playground and Johnny pushes my kid off of the swing.

Johnny’s mom: “Johnny! Say you’re sorry!”

Johnny: “sorry”

Me to my kid: “let’s say ‘thank you for apologizing.’”

My kid: “thank you for apologizing.”

Let’s imagine that Johnny’s mom didn’t see what happened and my kid comes crying to me. I don’t defend Johnny and I don’t get his mom involved right away. I ask my child, “did this hurt you?” If they say “yes” (either hurt their feelings or got physically hurt) then I teach them that it is their responsibility to tell Johnny that what he did hurt them. I want my kids to know that if someone hurts them, they are not powerless. 

Being able to work through hurt is a necessary lifeskill. I encourage my child to go up to Johnny and say, “when you pushed me off of the swing that really hurt my feelings.” If Johnny doesn’t care and walks away then my child will naturally choose not to play with him anymore because he doesn’t seem all that safe or kind. I’m ok with that because I want my kids to learn from a young age how to surround themselves with high quality friends. Choosing friends is also a lifeskill. Alternately, if Johnny had no idea that him pushing my child off of the swing was hurtful because in his mind he was playing and having fun, then suddenly a lightbulb goes off in his mind that what he did harmed someone else. Almost always, Johnny apologizes on his own—not because a parent forced him to disingenuously. The long term effect? Johnny will probably never push my kid off of the swing again and will likely think twice before doing it to another kid.   

If the situation is my kid pushing Johnny off the swing then I take my child aside and ask, “was that kind?” Or “Do you think that might have hurt Johnny?” If they say, “I don’t know” then I teach them to go check in with Johnny and ask—not “are you ok?”—but “did I hurt you?” Or “are you hurt?” I teach them to take ownership of their unkind and possibly hurtful action. We are conditioned to respond with, “I’m fine” or “I’m ok” when often, we are not ok. If someone asks us, “are you ok?” we tend to respond with, “yes” because the question implies that being ok is the correct answer. But if someone asks us, “are you hurt?” we tend to consider if in fact, we are. We might say something like, “I’m not sure,” or “I think I’m ok but just give me a minute.” That pause—not immediately saying “it’s ok” or “I’m fine” does something to our brain. It forces us to stop and consider offering or receiving help. That is ground zero for relational repair—meeting the person we hurt where that person is. 

When my child wrongs someone else, I don’t make them apologize right away. I do make them acknowledge that what they did hurt someone else even if that wasn’t the intention. But I don’t force the apology. I simply explain that until they can make the relational repair which comes through apology and forgiveness, the relationship will carry hurt and distrust. How long they want to sit in that hard and uncomfortable space is totally up to them. 

If someone wrongs my child and apologizes, what I want them to say first is “thank you for apologizing.” I want them to understand that apologizing is the right and courageous thing to do. I also want them to understand that how they respond to the apology is up to them. I don’t tell them that they have to forgive that person right away. In fact, while I do encourage it, I don’t tell them that they have to forgive the person at all. That is their choice.

Maybe you think I’m a reckless parent for not strong arming my children into forgiveness. I know I’m reckless as a parent in many things but when it comes to apologizing, you will not find me apologizing for what I am teaching my children about the difference between the words “I’m sorry” and actually recognizing when you have wounded someone. Here’s a real life example of a conversation I had with my 9 year old son a few months ago:

Scene: Son is being rude, unreasonable, disrespectful and uncooperative. He wants something from me and I simply respond, “No. Right now I am feeling very hurt by how you are treating me.” He storms off in an angry manner and I let him go. I don’t chase him down to make him understand my perspective. I have said my piece. About 20 minutes later he comes calmly into the kitchen.

Billy: Mom, I’m sorry for being rude and mean to you today. You didn’t do anything wrong. I think I was just feeling hangry. 

Me: Thank you, Billy, for apologizing. I know what it’s like to feel hangry. I’m glad you were able to figure out what was really bothering you. 

Billy: Yeah, you didn’t do anything wrong. I’m sorry for hurting your feelings and being so difficult. 

Me: Billy, I forgive you and I want us to be ok. Are we ok?

Billy: Yeah, we’re ok. 

Me: Good. Now then, let’s get you something to eat. 

Take a look at the messages his brain just absorbed:

• I have hurt mom’s feelings
• It is my responsibility to initiate relational repair
• Mom isn’t angry at me for being hangry because she understands what that feels like
• I did a good thing by figuring out what was really bothering me
• Mom forgives me
• Mom wants us to be ok but it takes both of us to agree on that for it to happen
• Mom and I trust each other again

If you think I’m exaggerating this story, I’m not. I’m telling you—9 year old boys can have conversations like this. They just need practice building that muscle of awareness and learning how to apologize on their own—not being forced to. 

Now imagine if the conversation had gone like this:

Billy: Mom, I’m sorry for being rude and mean to you today. You didn’t do anything wrong. I think I was just feeling hangry. 

Me: That’s ok. 

Billy: Oh. Ok. Can I have something to eat?

Me: Sure. 

What exactly is he hearing if I had said “it’s ok”? 

• That it’s ok that he was rude to me
• That he can treat people in a mean way if he is hangry
• That his apology is sweet but unnecessary because I have already moved on and everything is ok because I alone declared “it’s ok” (I hold more power in the relationship)

I don’t want to risk his mind thinking any of that. That is why I teach that it is not ok. In fact, when I apologize to my kids and they respond with “it’s ok” I correct them and explain, “no sweetheart, it is not ok. It is not ok that I was ____. That is why I am apologizing because it was not ok for me to hurt you like that.”

Friends, it doesn’t have to be ok all of the time.

It’s usually in the times of “not ok” that we are learning the most.

Let’s lean into that.