Deciding when to retire

Confession: Sometimes I think that staying in the military is easier than getting out. 

Before I write this post, I need to start with a disclaimer that I have never done military service. I am a military spouse but I have zero experience with anything else military related. So the words I’m about to write are written from the perspective of a spouse only—not a military member. I fully admit that I have no concept of what a military member experiences when s/he is deciding how long to stay in and whether or not it is time to get out. I cannot relate whatsoever to what that experience is like. I’m simply writing as someone who is affected by a decision like that.

The topic of military retirement for my family comes up constantly. It is usually one of the first five questions that comes up when we meet someone new:

Male stranger: “So what do you do for work?”

Bryan: “I’m in the Coast Guard.”

Male stranger: “Oh, wow! How long have you been in?”

Bryan: “23 years this summer.”

Male stranger: “Good for you! You gonna go for 30?”

Bryan: “We are taking it one tour at a time.”

Or

Female stranger: “How long have you lived around here?”

Me: “We moved here in 2024.”

Female stranger: “Oh, where did you move from?”

Me: “Mississippi.”

Female stranger: “Why did you guys move here?”

Me: “We are a military family.”

Female stranger: “Oh. How long will you guys be stationed here?”

Me: “We transfer in the summer of 2027 unless we retire.”

Female stranger: “Do you think you guys will retire?”

Me: “I don’t know.”

It is never not something we talk about. Bryan and I have been talking about when to hang up his uniform and what to do afterward for 12 years, on a monthly basis if not more. And it isn’t just me and Bryan talking about it to each other—it’s a conversation topic that comes up in every relationship we have with friends, family, service providers and neighbors. You would think that with all of that talking, we would be closer to a decision or have a better idea of what the roadmap to that decision looks like for our family. And in some ways we are closer to a decision because we know some things that we don’t want but defining what it is that we do want that doesn’t conflict with the reality of what we don’t want is wearing us down. At the very least it is wearing me down. 

The problem is that the decision isn’t simple. The decision isn’t just about what Bryan wants or doesn’t want. The decision now involves a family unit. And here is why that decision is so hard: you can’t please everyone. Just like any team or unit, there is give and take and compromise and sometimes someone gets the short end of the stick. So how do you go about making that decision when all persons in that unit have legitimate needs and preferences and it isn’t just a “majority rules” kind of vote? In my experience, the answer is simple: you don’t make the decision. You just keep going on as normal and do nothing different (i.e. you do the next tour or promotion and just keep advancing even though you are nowhere closer to a decision on when to get out). 

I think one of the root issues here is value. Does one stakeholder have more value than another? Does Bryan’s preference get more weight because he is the breadwinner? Do I get more say because I’m advocating for the kids’ needs? Do the kids get a say at all when their brains aren’t even fully formed? Do we give more weight to the advice and wisdom of those who have gone before us and are now retired from the military? And if so, which wisdom do we listen to: the kind that says to stay in or the kind that says to pivot now and start that second career earlier? How do you assign value to different aspects of this massive life altering decision? Or, said a different way, how do you justify which player has to sacrifice the most or gets the short end of the stick?

I don’t know. 

Sorry, friends.

But in case you were looking for the golden ticket and thought this blog would help you make your decision on when to retire from the military, I do have something small to offer. It isn’t going to answer the question for you but it could point you in a direction. What I can offer is a list of questions that I keep in a document on my desktop that I answer for myself whenever we have a serious conversation about when to retire from the military. You see, I cannot answer questions like, “where will Bryan or I work after he retires?” Or “how much income will those unknown jobs produce?” Or “where will we be living while being employed in those unknown jobs?” Or “What happens if we move and our kids struggle to make friends?” So instead of drowning in the impossible task of answering questions that I can’t, I focus on the questions that I can answer. Here they are:

1. What makes me happy?
2. What stresses me out?
3. What are the core values that define me?
4. What is the lifestyle that I want?
5. What interests me?
6. What is best for my family?
7. What gifts has God given me that make a positive impact on others?
8. What do I want to be doing in 10 years?
9. What do I want to be doing in 20 years?
10. What do I want in a house/home?

When I answer those questions I start to feel like I can breathe again. I start to feel like the future isn’t so unknown or scary or risky. I feel that way because in answering those questions, I am answering questions that are more important than, “when do we get out of the military?” Regardless of when, God will be with us and provide for us. He will provide resources and direction and community. He will provide wisdom and friendship and clarity. So why do we get so tangled up in that one question? Why is that single question what we talk about more than anything in our marriage and relationships with others? Sure, the answer matters but it also doesn’t really matter. At least not when you consider more important questions like, “how am I going to live my life to serve God and help others?” Or “what skills and talents do I have to share with others for their benefit so that when I leave this world, I will not have wasted them?” 

For some people, military service is a job. For others, it is an identity. For some it is security. For others, it is a duty to our country. But in my opinion, military service is simply deciding to take that opportunity and choosing to live intentionally with that decision. There is no right or wrong or good or bad. The same goes for life outside of military service: you are deciding to take that opportunity to live intentionally.

One of my favorite poems is “Success” by Ralph Waldo Emerson. He ends his poem by writing, “…to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived, this is to have succeeded.” 

I think he understood what holds value: living life not for ourselves but rather, for others. 

So my friends, whether you are still serving in the military, retired from serving, or on your way to retiring, I encourage you not to get distracted by regrets and the fear of the unknown. Focus on the things you can answer and choose a direction with confidence so you can live with purpose. Don’t get stuck in talking. Go and live and see what God will do through you.