Confession: I have thought about being the woman who walks away from her husband and kids.
Our family operates under the breadwinner-homemaker model. We are a one income family. Bryan’s schedule is determined by needs of the United States Coast Guard and my schedule is determined by needs of Scott House Family Inc. This requires agreements on finances, extra curricular activities, bedtimes, who does what household tasks, and most importantly, agreeing to disagree. There is a lot of disagreeing. My values are different from my husbands and therefore we find the things we prioritize aggravating the heck out of the other person. On my end, all of those aggravating moments and seasons built themselves into a mountain of frustration right between me and my husband. We might have shared the same bed at night but that mountain rested between us—it’s invisible presence so strong that I couldn’t see Bryan anymore. Honestly, I wasn’t sure I even wanted to see Bryan anymore. That was a big red flag for me. That was when I knew that if I didn’t want my marriage to end in divorce, I had to find a way to get over that mountain of frustration to Bryan on the other side. Do you want to know how I’m getting over that mountain?
- Not a marriage book (I need to be reading my Bible first).
- Not counseling (a good option but I don’t need to talk–I need to pivot hard and fast).
- Not a prayer group (though having trusted people pray for me is happening).
I’m trudging over that mountain with this thing called perseverance. I have joy and gratitude as my handy dandy trail mix and some amazing shoes called “habits.” That’s right, habits. It’s sort of like sticking one foot in front of the other and doing it again and again and again until you reach that destination. My destination is to stand with Bryan, hand in hand, our marriage thriving. But it is going to take tremendous effort and discipline to get there. And so, in order to avoid burnout or fear that I won’t make it, I rely on habits.
Habits as a limited human being:
Habit 1: I take time away. This means we have things we do with other people. For him, it’s a weekly men’s bible study and jiu-jitsu. For me, it’s a weekly women’s meet up and weekend time spent alone at the library. Unlike in our dating years, every minute of our free time is no longer spent with one another—we don’t force the other person to fulfill all of our social, emotional, and deeply complex, layered needs. We still spend time together but we do not suffocate the other person.
Habit 2: I own my ugly. I can admit when I am wrong, which, to be clear, is not the same thing as telling someone else that they are right. Those are two different things. (Read: Just because I’m wrong doesn’t mean Bryan is right. We can both be wrong and do wrong at the same time). The point is, I own my ugly and when I’m wrong, or have done wrong, I will say so. It does not always come out as, “I’m sorry,” because those words are really, really hard for me, but I am able to say, “hey, I was wrong. I hurt you, I want to do better.” The “sorry” is a work in progress. Check back in twenty sixty years to see how I’m doing.
Habit 3: I plan for the things that I can control: food, time away, and shared decision making. I like good food so I give myself budget permission each month to buy a few things that are “extra” (better quality, new product, craving, etc.). I don’t break the bank every month, I just slip in a few “upgrades” each month to the food we eat.
I write out a list of all of the things that I don’t have to decide on my own. I could make all of the decisions on my own but that would breed resentment that I carry the mental load alone. So when that running list gets really long, I write them out so that the family can collectively share in deciding who will do what, when, where, and how. Sometimes it is asking for a couple of meal ideas, birthday plans for friends or family, what to do on a holiday or weekend, how to tackle a large yard project, decluttering an area, or adjusting set expectations in the home.
Habits as a mom:
Habit 1: I stopped being the default parent. On most weekends or evenings, when my husband is home, my kids will always come to me first and ask me something (in this example let’s just say they are asking if they can have a snack). If I’m cooking dinner while holding the toddler and mentally creating a shopping list for next week’s groceries as well as a mental note to transfer the mental shopping list to my digital shopping list, then I look that child straight on and say, “go ask your father.” I feel no guilt about this. He can do the mental work of deciding if the kids eating a snack as I’m getting the table set for dinner is reasonable. I know that I could easily answer, “no.” But I don’t. Every time I do, I remove parenting responsibilities from my partner. And I don’t have to shoulder all of them.
Habit 2: Setting a future time. I’ve noticed that when my kids want something, they want it that instant. And usually that moment is already occupied whether I am cooking, cleaning, playing with another kid, driving, showering, etc. So if it’s 10am on a weekend and they ask, “can I watch TV?” I don’t say, “no,” or “after you clean your room.” I check the clock and think of a reasonable time that I could answer “yes.” I’ll say something like, “you can watch TV at 2pm for an hour.” This way we all know what will happen at 2pm. It gives them a clear start and end time so that there is no arguing when it is time to turn the TV off. If I’m washing breakfast dishes and Billy asks if I will play with him, I don’t say, “after I’m done washing dishes” because usually I’ll get caught up in something right after doing dishes or doing dishes gets interrupted by something else. So I set a time. I say, “yes, I’ll play with you at 11 o’clock for 20 minutes” and that way regardless of what I’m doing at 11 o’clock I know I can step away for 20 minutes to play with Billy and then return to the task at hand. You see, the problem with saying you’ll do something after a task gets done is that tasks can get interrupted easily when you are triaging daily life and the list of tasks never ends. But time ends. There is no ambiguity there. Time does not shift. It is concrete and exact and predictable.
Habit 3: I touch my kids. This was easier when they were super little. I didn’t even have to try because they just clung to me like static cling. The umbilical cord was never severed. Actual medical malpractice here. SO touched ALL the time. But as they got older they didn’t sit in my lap as much or snuggle next to me in bed or join me in the bathroom when I needed to pee. I had to find creative ways to touch my 9 year old son that were mindful of his autonomy. How it looks nowadays: if a good song is playing while we are in the kitchen doing dishes together, I’ll grab his hands and dance with him; I’ll still put lotion on his face or arms when needed; if we are walking somewhere I’ll do a quick arm around the shoulder side squeeze if we are laughing about something; I check how tall he is getting and have him stand in front of me and then give him a deep hug and ask him to promise me that he’ll never grow taller than he is that day; I’ll do a friendly squeeze or shake to his shoulders when I need his full attention.
Habits as a woman:
Habit 1: I try to take a shower twice a day to refresh. Body cleanliness matters. When I shower in the morning, mentally I am washing off my sleep and rest. It sets me up to be energized for the day. That energy fuels my sense of feminism. When I shower before bed at night, I mentally wash away the mess and grit of the day, the evidence of a day spent with purpose and meaning and life nurturing. Spending time to clean myself before bed allows me to reconnect with my body, care for it, and thank it for a job well done that day.
Habit 2: I tell the woman in the mirror that she is still me, just a different, older, evolving, version. Those new white hairs? New. Nothing to be ashamed of. That softer midsection? Different from when I was 18 but still quality goods, protecting my organs. Those new spots and skin tags? New. Removable if I want them to be but also beautiful new developments that weren’t here before. Evidence that my body is changing year by year because it is full of life. Not full of death. It is living and breathing and changing and adjusting and accommodating. It is so full of life and I am thankful.
Habit 3: I smile on purpose and compliment others. Kindness begets kindness. When I’m out in public, I make a conscious effort to smile at others. They always smile back. Always. I make time to compliment people in customer service who help me. They always smile and say “thank you.” My smile and compliments cost me nothing but they are the most important currency I possess. Females are naturally the more beautiful in our species but it isn’t just outward beauty that we hold. What makes our outward beauty glow is our inward beauty: our spirit of kind confidence and the ability to gently elevate others as we interact with them along our life’s journey.
Habits as a wife:
Habit 1: I pray for my husband whenever I make our bed. It is a natural rhythm that happens (almost) daily and only takes a couple of minutes. I use that time intentionally to pray for Bryan as a brother in Christ, husband, father, and employee. When I use that time to actively pray, I don’t get bitter that I make the bed the majority of the time. Instead of it being a chore, it becomes a privilege.
Habit 2: This one is not so much a habit as it is a decision–I respect his financial preferences. Bryan stewards our finances well. He knows how to invest and how to save. So when we get a pay raise and he announces that he’d like to bump our savings up to a billion percent of our paycheck, I keep my reaction calm. I keep the tantrum and moaning in my mind and choose to remember that he can be trusted with our finances now and for the future. And every now and then, I tell him that he has done a great job taking care of our family. Those words mean more to him than a hundred “I love you’s”.
Habit 3: I don’t make him guess. If I’m upset with him, I tell him. If he asks me how to fix me being upset with him, I try to answer with something tangible. If I need or want him to do something for me, I ask. If he asks me to tell him what I want him to buy me for my birthday, I tell him. This doesn’t make him dumb or disengaged or lazy. He is eager to please and gain a five star review. He’s not my employee–he’s my partner in this massive undertaking called marriage. A good partnership means you have different strengths and the ability to each communicate and delegate and give helpful feedback. So I don’t make him guess if I have the answer to our success in a particular area.
These are the habits that I know help me and therefore help my marriage. The habits weren’t easy when I first started them but overtime they became natural rhythms. I thank Bryan for his patience with me and God for His grace.
Julie Kehau 
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